Gently Humorous: Weight Loss ... Don't Try This At Home

What's up with this photo?

     Today is a pretty exciting day for our family. My son Silas, whom you may know from the Boy Named Silas blog posts or the Boy Named Silas memoir, has now gone one full week without any tube feedings whatsoever. Granted, we're only completely a three-week trial, but it's looking more and more like Silas will one day (maybe even one day soon) outgrow his feeding tube completely.

     Just last night Silas asked me, "Do you think I like my tube?" And before giving me a chance to answer, he inserted, "Well, I don't."

     And what's to like? Silas' tube has caused him plenty of physical discomfort. He can't eat the snacks with the rest of his buddies when he goes to Sunday school or Awana's. And on several occasions, Silas' brothers have accidentally pulled his tube out while rough-housing the way boys typically do.

     That's why I was completely flabbergasted when I read an article that brides-to-be are actually opting for tube-fed, liquid-only diets to loose the last few pounds they want before they get hitched. These runway star wannabes don't go to the extreme of having a G-tube surgically placed into their side like Silas has. No, they insert a feeding tube up their nose, then down their throat into their stomach. Yup, you heard that right. Up the honker, down the hatch.

     All in the name of weight loss.

     Unfortunately, the tube-fed diet isn't the only ridiculous one out there. Have you heard about the hCG diet? It sounds all scientific because it's hormonally based. But think about it, ladies. You are getting injected with pregnancy hormone! The only women I know of who actually lost weight during their pregnancies were blowing chunks round the clock. Everyone else was gaining weight. And seriously now ... why would I even want to make my body think it was pregnant again? I thought I was done having kids!

     Now the tapeworm diet ... this one beats them all hands down. Here you go, girlfriends. All you've got to do is swallow this tapeworm. Yes, you heard me right. You swallow it. And it will live in your stomach (and grow) and live off of all the calories you eat. Wonderful idea, right?

     I've never gone to any of those extremes, but I admit that once I tried an apple pie diet. I'm dead serious. I allowed myself one slice of apple pie every day around lunch time. I figured that if I knew I was at least getting something yummy once a day I wouldn't mind skipping out on my other meals. I stuck to half of the diet, I'm proud to say. I only ate apple pie. Unfortunately, I had a harder time limiting myself to just one piece ...

     Same thing happened when I tried the Hawaiian roll diet ...

     I once heard of a church who decided to do a communal forty-day liquid fast. By day five, some of the members went from clear liquids to blended drinks like smoothies. It was only another week before they were throwing cookies and ice cream in a blender and slurping it down.

     Gluttony certainly is a real struggle many people (myself included) face, and the health consequences of poor eating choices are no laughing matter. But every once in a while, in a world that constantly bombards us with images of rail-thin actresses and promises from hyped-up weight loss programs, it's fun to sit back and allow ourselves a little laugh.

     And maybe enjoy a slice of apple pie with lunch.

Random Fact #21: I survived weeks at a time as a college student eating only Cheerios, craisins, and an occasional pint of Ben and Jerry's.