Sunday, March 3, 2013

R-Rated Scripture

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This post appears in the 103rd edition of the Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     A few months ago I had this great idea to start reading Genesis to my boys chapter by chapter for our morning devotions. I figured that my boys were ready to move beyond the Bible storybooks we have and delve into God's pure, unadulterated Word.

    And after making my grand announcement and making our way victoriously through the creation account, I remembered what else is in Genesis. Not much pure or unadulterated there, at least as far as the characters are concerned. Like valiant explorers, my boys and I stumbled our way through the Bible's depiction of Noah's drunken nakedness, Abraham's polygamist affair with Hagar, Sarah's near-rape by the Egyptian king. We got to Sodom and Gomorrah and even choked our way through that, only to find that the very next day I was supposed to read my seven, five, and three year-olds the story when Lot's daughter's got him drunk so he could father their children. After just describing (in hopefully dumbed-down terms) why the men of Sodom were so wicked God chose to destroy them, I just didn't have the stomach to read about Lot's daughters as well.

     When it comes right down to it, not many Bible stories would pass conservative family screening practices. You have Ruth laying down at the feet of an inebriated Boaz with a marriage proposal in the middle of the night. In Numbers 25, you have an Israelite and his Midianite mistress killed when a spear pierces completely through both of their bodies. (Care to guess what position they were in when this couple was shish kebobed?) Not to mention all the strange, bizarre, and lewd behavior going on in the early chapters of the Holy Book. I mean, have you read all those laws in Leviticus? They were apparently put there for some reasons that I don't even want to know.

     Then there's the pure violence, which would automatically turn the Bible into an R movie even without all the kinky bedroom behavior. You've got entrails spilling out onto the floor on more than one occasion. You've got former first-lady Jezebel thrown out a window with dogs licking up her blood. I'm not even going to mention what the people resorted to when under intense siege and on the brink of starvation.

     There's also the language to deal with. What do you think Paul is talking about in Galatians 5:12 when he tells believers who are a little too zealous for circumcision to "cut themselves off"? Samson accuses the groomsmen at his own wedding of "plowing with his heifer." (Care to guess what he's referring to there?) Peter was a bona fide potty-mouth. Even God pushes the envelope by telling Job to "gird up his loins like a man." Modern translation? Put on your undies and man up!

     As if the sex, violence, and language weren't enough, the Bible also has plenty of cases of the terrifying, bizarre, and sheer insane. There's a crazy woman cutting off her son's foreskin to appease the angel of the Lord who came after Moses with a vendetta. There's a demon-possessed man breaking his chains, cutting himself to shreds, and living amongst the caves. (Have you ever dared wonder what he ate?) I defy you to find any horror movie with creepier premises than what you'll find in the Bible's 66 sacred books. Just Revelation itself has more terror than the contents of Steven King's own nightmares. What makes these prophecies even more terrifying is that you know they're going to come true.

     I guess what I love about Scripture is that it doesn't sugar-coat its accounts to make its stories more acceptable or family-friendly. I admit that's made for some awkward discussions around the breakfast table. But I figure if God wrote it, I'd better be prepared to read it to my kids.

     Just don't blame me for skipping over the part about Lot and his daughters.

What about you? Do you "censor" Bible stories for your kids? Or can you think of anything else I should have included in my list of R-rated Bible stories?

8 comments:

  1. Aaaannnnd this would be why i use an audio Bible, aside from the fact that it saves my voice. I don't have to read the R-rated stuff out loud. I just have to do the awkward explaining. I must say, though, that I am definitely not looking forward to Ezekial 23:20. No. Not at all. *shudder*

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    1. I love audio Bibles when it comes to genealogies. :) Good luck with Ezekiel! May as well get it over with now because you know it's just going to get worse the older the kids get!

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  2. Oh yes, been there. I teach Sunday school too, (5-10 age group), and have definitely had to focus on the bigger picture (paraphrase paraphrase) - I had that issue with teaching Joseph last month. You know his brothers stripping him naked and then selling him into slavery, and what exactly Potiphars wife was trying to get up to. Gloss, gloss... (I told them she told lies about him...).

    And I'm looking forward to the one we're doing in a few weeks about Stephen getting stoned. How to teach that one without making the kids feel like they'll be killed for following Jesus. Nothing like kids too terrified to come to church - relying on the HS to help get that message right.

    Saying that, I love all the interesting and very human aspects of life the bible portrays. For people who think Christians have to be cookie cutter perfect to be loved by God - the good book tells quite a different tale!

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    1. Oops, my first comment didn't embed right. It's right beneath yours. And I love your last point. I'm so thankful the Bible is full of horrific sinners! (awkward breakfast conversations and all!)

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  3. Yes, I think it's even harder teaching other people's kids because you know they're going to go home and ask all the questions you weren't able to cover! But then there's probably some kids in your class who know *exactly* what's going on, which is kind of sad too.

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  4. Sorry, I am cracking up. I have a hard enough time explaining to Allie why Walt Disney always kills off the mothers. I can just imagine trying to explain about Lot's daughters.

    I think you need to write a middle of the road version...not children's bible and not adult.

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    1. haha, Kerri. I guess the Bible isn't the only thing that isn't as child-friendly as you might think. So true about Disney. One friend challenged me to name three Disney movies with both parents alive and married, and I couldn't! Maybe we should protest that Disney is misogynistic??? ;)

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  5. Food for thought: We have been wonderfully designed as sexual beings. In my opinion, being uncomfortable with sex, with sexuality and such related things, is not of God's Spirit. Yes, we need to treat it with great respect, for we are responding to our very inherent design that is good! But let's be willing to ask our good Father to talk to us about the issues of shame, instead of delight, that often infiltrate our thinking about sex and its activities. Kids are very aware of their physical design and have a good and healthy curiosity about it. Let's encourage conversation about its good design and delightfulness as well as the dangers in not treating it with the same respect and honor that Father has given it. Just something for you to ponder!

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