You Know You've Raised a Meidcally-Fragile Baby If...

     Today I'm happy to report that our son, Silas, had his feeding tube removed last week. Silas now eats all the calories he needs by mouth and is doing so well the doctor decided we could ditch the tube.

     Some people ask me what it was like raising Silas as a baby, when we had to suction out his throat several times an hour and dump milk down his tube round the clock. So, if you're curious what it's like to care for a baby like Silas, I present to you today's list:

You know you've raised a medically-fragile baby if:

You have your pediatrician's personal cell phone number on speed dial.

You know all the staff at the medical supply company by their voice.

You have rated each and every 24-hour care clinic within a 15-mile radius of your home.

You schedule your son's radiology appointments around your monthly cycle (just to be safe).

You know what day of the week it is by your child's therapy schedule.

You use years when referring to your next date night.

You use decades when referring to your next vacation.

You've woken up to an apnea monitor more times than you can count.

You've rated the local hospital cafeterias.

You understand the glory and beauty of Germ-X.

Your friends complain about their newborns waking up every three hours, and you feel murderously jealous.

You've never been offered an honorary nursing degree, but you know you deserve one.


     Wishing love and strength to my friends who are daily loving their blessed little miracles! May God keep on giving you the strength and stamina you need to endure. As for the rest of you, pass this list on to someone you know. I bet they could add a few items of their own!

What about you? Do you have anything to add to this list?

Random fact: Silas has spent a total of 65 days in the hospital over three total visits.

Blog love: This post appears in the Christian Home Magazine, brought to you by Laura O.

Ten Great Insults: Bible Style

     If you watch TV today, you might have noticed that many characters have gotten a little lax when it comes to insults. With the plethora of vulgar language now in vogue, it's as if the art of insults has been degrading to two or three choice (and very overused) phrases.

     Would that we could go back to Bible times, when insults were wide and varied! So if you're tired of the same old vulgarities, here are the top ten biblical insults I've found in the pages of my own Word of God. I was going to use the King James version, but seeing as how some of the verses had to deal with donkeys, well, I didn't want to really offend anybody...

10) You are a flat cake not turned over (Hosea 7:8). It's uniqueness as an insult notwithstanding, you're probably not going to convey the original intent of this verse to a modern-day audience. Perhaps the contemporary equivalent would translate better as "You're a Subway sandwich with the bread over-toasted."

9) A quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof (Proverbs 19:13). Its biting intent perhaps overshadowed by its overuse, this insult still definitely manages to convey the annoying tendencies of a nagging wife. Spouses ... be warned!

8) Brood of vipers! (various NT verses) Again, this insult isn't quite as effective anymore, simply because we've all heard it so often. But if anyone has a significant fear of snakes, I imagine you can still see its charming impact (no pun intended). 

7) Their tongue is an open grave (Romans 3:13). I've heard some biting insults about bad breath, but none quite like this.

 6) You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! (1 Samuel 20:30) Spoken in a fit of anger by King Saul to his own son, Jonathan, this insult is a little more creative than its (very overused) contemporary counterpart. (And it would get by television censors to boot!)
 
5) My little finger is thicker than my father's waist (1 Kings 12:10). Speaking of censorship, the NIV tones down their translation quite a bit. The King James says, my little finger is thicker than my father's loins. In other words, Rehoboam is saying that his pinky is "thicker" than his father's ... um ... maybe we should just stick with waist...
 
4) Go castrate yourself. Ok, this isn't a direct biblical quote. The exact translation is "As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!" (Galatians 5:12). Let's hope for these "agitators'" sake that Paul never got his wish.

3) You were unlike a prostitute, because you scorned payment (Ezekiel 16:38). Not the kind of comment I'm guessing you want to hear spoken to your mother or sister.


2)  There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses (Ezekiel 23:20). No. Commentary. Needed.

1) You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean (Matthew 23:17). It shouldn't be surprising that the award for best insult goes to Jesus himself. Let's just hope none of us hear him say those words about ourselves!

***

Blog Love: This post was included in Christian Home Magazine via Laura O from Day by Day. Check it out!

Your Chance to Win: If you haven't seen it yet, there's a contest up on my blog. Winner gets to name two characters in my next novel! 

  

Gently Humorous: How to Be Obnoxious on Facebook

A (sarcastic) humor post for Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     Do you want to be obnoxious on Facebook? Here's some status update tips from the pros. Write a status update that's chock full of boasts - but covered by a transparent veil of false humility! A proven way to annoy your Facebook friends!

Don't take the credit. Are you a mom? Well, if all you do is talk about how terrific your kids are, you're probably going to get some irate non-friends real soon. So here's what you do. You take the "humble" approach. Try something like: Wow! 14 months old and Johnny is already knows all his colors and shapes?! Where did he get so smart? I know it wasn't from me!

     See what I did there? Not only did I point out how brilliant my son is (none of my boys are named Johnny, by the way), but I also was humble enough to admit there's no way he got those genius qualities from me. Humble? Better believe it!

Act like your successes are normal for everyone. If you're an author, you've probably read all kinds of helpful blogs that warn you against spamming your followers' newsfeeds just with sales blurbs about your books. But guess what? We authors like to write about our accomplishments. Coming across as humble in doing so, however, takes a little bit of tweaking. Consider a status update like this:

Don't you just love those days when you sell 498 ebooks in twelve hours? Notice how I make it out like selling 498 ebooks in twelve hours is such a normal, everyday occurrence? Because if I act like selling that many books is a common event in the life of every author, I'm not bragging when I say it's happened to me!

Turn your brag into a complaint. This is so frustrating. Now that I've lost 35 pounds, I can't fit into any of my old evening gowns. What am I going to wear to the mayor's gala now? These kind of posts have a two-fold obnoxious component. Not only do they tell your friends the reasons for your boasting, they also tell your friends that you don't even appreciate the blessings you've already received!


Just mention God. Because, let's face it. If you mention God and give him glory, you can basically get away with saying anything and still come across as humble, right? God has blessed me so much with a husband who does laundry, washes the dishes (twice a day), makes the bed, and gives me whole weekends off to spend with my girlfriends while he watches the kids. Thanks, God, for giving me such a terrific hubby! (Ok, so maybe this is going just a little too far. I'll let you be the final judge.)

     Unfortunately, there's no real secret formula to internet humility. But if I really come up with one, I'll be the first to let you know. (And I'll give God all the glory too!)

Random Fact: Check out twitter.com/#alanafam if you want to see all my goofy, snarky tweets MINUS the obnoxious book plugs!

MMM... It's Monday! Time for a mirthfully musical YouTube video. How about this one? If there are parents who have a right to boast about their son online, it's this boys' mom and dad! Join Regi for even more MMMs!

Gently Humorous: Accidentally (On Purpose)

     It's pretty amazing how often my toddler will "accidentally" get himself into trouble. I've lost track of the times I've found Thomas with marker on his face, toes, hands, or other unmentionable body parts. When I ask him what he thought he was doing, he replies, "I accidentally drew on myself."

     I tried explaining to Thomas the difference between accidentally and on purpose. When I caught Thomas sitting on his brother's bed ripping pages out of a beloved book, I asked him, "What do you think you're doing?" I'm lucky my three year-old hasn't started rolling his eyes at me. He hasn't realized (yet) what a silly question that really is. Then again, I guess I haven't either.

     "I accidentally tore the book on purpose," Thomas admitted.

     At least my lecture set in. A little.

     Thomas' habit of "accidentally" falling into sin on purpose might be cute and humorous if it weren't so much like my own spiritual shortcomings. How many times have I accidentally wondered into the kitchen and ended up glutting myself? How many times have I picked up that secular novel and accidentally forgot to skip over those scenes I shouldn't read? How many times have I accidentally lost my temper with my kids?

     I'm horribly guilty of purposefully leading myself into temptation so that I can accidentally fall into it. Truth is, I'm no more mature than my three year-old. And I'm not as cute, either, which means I need to be even more careful. (Because, face it, it's not too easy to stay mad at a smile like this.)

     Thankfully, God has more patience with me than I have with my son, but every once in a while I imagine my heavenly Father must be sitting up in heaven asking me, "What do you think you're doing?"

***

Random Fact: My wrist tendons (which are responsible for my sporadic blogging of late) used to make a thumbs-up at only about 35 degrees. Now, thanks to a ton of stretching, I can give a 90-degree thumbs up. (It's the little things that count.)

Blog Love: This post is part of Christian Home Magazine, hosted by Laura O. Since my friend Regi is also hosting her Mirth and Music Monday meme on Mondays, I'm also posting a YouTube video for you to enjoy that, in my opinion, is so musically mirthful I'm giving you both M's in one bang.

Aren't the Piano Guys awesome? I'll be taking my five year-old to their concert next winter. I'm not sure if he's more excited or if I am.

Want a free book? I just signed up with a new website that rewards readers for promoting their favorite authors. Visit my Libboo page to see how you can earn a free ebook just for your tweets and posts!

Good Laughs

This post appears in Christian Home Magazine, brought to you by Laura O.

     A few days ago, my son experienced something totally new and unexpected. We were eating lunch and listening to an Adventure in Odyssey, and one of the characters said something so funny that milk came out his nose.

     I admit, my only experience with trying (and failing) to laugh and drink at the same time happened at a sleepover and involved some especially carbonated Root Beer. At least my son was spared the fizz.

     Truth be told, I've been in something of a funk for the past few weeks. I was hoping to have my next novel edited and ready to publish by the end of the year, but my wrists aren't cooperating. They're telling me they need a little time off of the computer. (Which, incidentally, I've taken as God's way of telling me I need a little time off the computer as well.) Unfortunately, I haven't necessarily been as submissive as I should be to this enforced Sabbath of sorts.

     Which is why I'm so thankful my friend Regi has continued to come over and get me laughing. As you'll see in the video below, we've had our fair share of laughs this past week as we put together a video to let people know about the soon-to-be-released audiobook for my novel, "The Beloved Daughter."

     For some reason, being down just doesn't carry as much pull when your best friend is sitting across the table giggling at you. (I mean with you...)

     Thankfully, neither of us were drinking milk or Root Beer while we made the video. Because that would have been a pretty big mess.

Here's Regi and I trying our darndest to keep that water out of our nose when we made a video about "The Beloved Daughter." It took us a while, but we eventually nailed it. :)

Want to see more of Regi? Check out her blog, or click here for the most hilarious short story I've ever read. (And, no, I'm not just saying that because I owe her one for helping me make this video...)

Interested in The Beloved Daughter audiobook? Click here to see my kickstarter campaign and pre-order your own copy today.

Date Night Nightmares

What's up with this photo?

     I haven't had the best luck when it comes to dating. Seeing as how I've been married for nine years, I guess I'm ok with that, but still I wish my dating life had a slightly better track record.

     My dating history began with a trip to a gay bar with a boy from college who decided to have an identity crisis on me. (That was my first date if you don't count the time my best friend's ex-boyfriend took me out to ask me how he should get back together with his lost love. Theoretically, since it was just him and me and he paid the bill, I suppose you could call this a date. I'm not into splitting hairs, but in my opinion it doesn't qualify.)

     I was a pretty pathetic single gal, so I guess it's fortunate that I met my husband to-be when I was 19. Still, I was a senior in college at the time and had plenty of opportunities prior to that to find out just how dismal my dating luck really was.

     And then I got married.

     Phillip and I ended up celebrating our first anniversary at McDonald's. It didn't have much to do with budget (because then it might almost be considered cute); it had to do with the fact that we didn't plan ahead of time what movie we wanted to see, and if we went to a sit-down restaurant we'd miss the show.

     On another anniversary, when Phillip was a full-time Bible college student in Nowhere, Alaska, we made the four-hour drive into the nearest "town" and ended up pushing a stroller around a mall and wishing we hadn't wasted all that gas. After we finally bought our first house, we decided to celebrate with a date night sans children. We got home from a nice dinner only to find that our son had clogged the toilet, and our new place still didn't have a plunger. An hour later, my husband returned from visiting three different stores in search of a plunger and rescued our plumbing.

     I suppose there are worse things to stink at than dating. Maybe in another nine years I'll be able to write a blog post about some of the amazing dates we've shared. Until then, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and invest in a movie directory app ... and an extra plunger.

What about you? What's one of your more memorable dates you've been on?

Blog Love: This post appears courtesy of Laura O and Christian Home Magazine.

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If You Talked to Your Spouse Like You Talk to God

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This post appears in the humor column of Christian Home Magazine and is part of the Mmm linkup from Regi McClain.

     Prayer is talking to God. You've probably heard that definition three hundred times - or three thousand if you grew up going to church. It makes a lot of sense, right?

     The idea that prayer is "just" talking to God is supposed to take the mystery out of this important spiritual discipline. You don't sweat talking to your girlfriend or your kids. You don't have to write down a script (or at least come up with a neumonic-friendly acronym) to prompt your conversation with your spouse, do you?

     So if prayer if "just" talking to God, then why does it look so different than my conversation with my husband, for example?

     And what if my relationship with my husband looked a lot more like my relationship with the Lord? If I treated conversing with Phillip the same way I treat praying to God, what would that do to my marriage? First of all, I'd have to come up with a plan, otherwise I'd be so busy I'd never stop and talk to my husband at all. So I'd set my alarm for 5:45 every morning and wake my husband up to tell him all the things I was thankful for. Since I'd be pretty tired, I might even have that list written out for me. That way I could just read it to him.

     Then I'd move on to my "intercession" portion. I'd tell Phillip all the things I'd hope he'd do for me that day. And if I really wanted to motivate my husband to action, I'd say things like, "Thank you in advance for answering my request." Oh, and I'd be sure to use lots of loftly words so he knew how serious I was. ("Dear compassionate and powerful spouse, if it's in your will, would you please get a gallon of milk on the way home from work tonight? I know that nothing is too hard for you, and I lay this request at your majestic feet.")

     On days when I didn't have much else going on, I might even get down the box from the closet that has all of the love letters Phillip wrote to me when were a long-distance engaged couple. I'd pick a letter at random and tell Phillip sweet nothings like, "Thank you, Phillip, that you said that I am an amazing woman who takes your breath away with my love for others and my heart for Christ," or, "I praise you, Phillip, because you once told me that nothing would give you more joy than spending the rest of your life loving me and taking care of me." I'd be thinking about the day ahead by then, so I'd probably just be reading in a monotone, but at least he'd know I was still reading all those letters he wrote.

     What that section was over, I'd go on to something my husband would really love. Singing. I'd pick the top three love songs that came to mind that morning, and sing them to him one after another. But I would be a little busy by then, so I'd probably be tidying up the house or starting on the kids' breakfast while I serenaded him each morning.

     On mornings when I slept in and missed my appointment with Phillip, I'd force myself to mope for several hours and tell myself I'm an awful wife. When bad things happened to me during the day, I'd blame it on the fact that I didn't have my "quiet time" with my husband.

     I hope that your marriage doesn't look or sound anything like this. Which leads me to wonder how my own prayer life got so self-centered, scripted, and dry. A ridiculous "quiet time" with your spouse might be something to laugh at, but a ho-hum prayer life certainly isn't.

     My prayer for you - as well as for myself - is for a spirit that yearns to connect with God, a heart that turns to him throughout the day, an intimacy that supersedes formulas, and a dedication that springs from joyful love instead of dutiful discipline.

***

Random Fact: During the course of our 16-month long-distance courtship, Phillip and I estimate we spent the equivalent of 32 days on the phone.
    
Bargain Books: The Beloved Daughter is my multi award-winning Christian suspense novel set in North Korea. It is 99 cents on kindle for this week only. Check it out!

The Bible (Submissive Women Version)

     I recently got involved with the Book Club network, which is a social network gathering site for

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Christians (think Goodreads for inspirational lit). On one of the discussions, an author mentioned how her editor had her take out a fight between a husband and wife because the wife wasn't being very submissive to her husband.

     After thanking God that he led me down the self-publishing path for my Christian suspense novels, I had to chuckle. If I read a novel where a woman refuses to fight with her husband, that's probably not going to encourage me to be more respectful to him. It's more likely to tempt me to throw the book against the wall, or at least roll my eyes at the goody two-shoes wife who can't find it in her heart to be so unsubmissive as to argue with the Head of the Home.

     And then I started thinking even more. What if a well-meaning editor got her hands on the Bible and took out all the cases of women acting unbecomingly to keep the rest of us sinners from walking down the same path?

     Well, first of all, Rachel and Leah would have been best friends, in spite of the fact that they were both married to the same man who only loved one of them. They would have remembered that God is a God of love and harmony, and that in and of itself would have given them good cause to get along just great and share their husband with perfect equality. Because otherwise women today might read about Rachel and Leah's petty fights and find themselves tempted to be jealous of their own sisters in Christ, and we know what a mess would come from that.

     We also don't want to teach women readers that prostitution is an appropriate lifestyle choice. We better make Tamar a shepherdess like the rest of those matriarchs, and we should change Rahab to something a lot more acceptable. Maybe a fabric dyer? And we wouldn't want to mention the fact that Samson spent the night with a harlot, so we better change his all-night consort. Maybe he was with a midwife? Midwives would have been up at all hours. Maybe she needed a strong hand one night and asked the strong Israelite to help her.

     What else? We all know that we Christian housewives need all the help we can get when it comes to submitting to our husbands. So we better change Abigail's actions, so that instead of saving her entire household from King David's wrath in direct disobedience to her husband, she should have just taken her death like a mouse instead of serving the future king of Israel.

     Oh, and what about Ruth? I mean, Ruth is pretty perfect when you put her on the scale of feminine righteousness. But then there's that whole scene where she spends the night at the feet of an inebriated, single, hunky, potential husband-elect. Now, we know that Ruth's purity was never questioned. But what kind of message would Ruth's brazen behavior give to poor impressionable teen girls? That they can spend the night cuddling with their love interest as long as nothing "improper" occurs? Nope, we'll have to cut that scene completely. Same thing with the ancient King David and his little snuggle bunny Abishag.


     With all the different kinds of Bibles in print today, I wouldn't be too surprised if an edited version like this could finds its way onto the bookshelves. Which only leaves me to wonder... who would really want to read it?

Blog Love: Not only is it part of my regular humor column for Christian Home Magazine, it's also part of Regi McClain's new Music and Mirth Monday linkup!

Random Fact: I was named after Anna, the character in Luke who blessed baby Jesus when she saw him in the temple.

Book Fun: Check out my friend Pauline's blog, where she's giving away 4 Christian ebooks, including The Beloved Daughter!

TMI on the Fourth of July

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      It's July! Which means my month of un-blogging has officially come to an end. It was a great month writing my next novel, and if you want to know when it's ready to read, please sign up for my newsletter!

     But enough about me! Today I'm talking about somebody else. A friend I knew way back when Phillip and I were so newlywed I could still fall into the "blushing bride" category.

     I first met "Sally" when we moved several states away so Phillip could take on the youth pastor position at her husband's church. Sally wasn't your typical pastor's wife, either. She had a penchant for speaking whatever was on her mind, and she expected everyone around her to do the same. Not a bad quality, mind you, but my newly-married sensitivities weren't quite ready for Sally when we first met.

     Sally and her husband were only a few years older than Phillip and I. Our first official outing together was to see the fireworks on the Fourth of July a few towns over. We all rode together in their huge minivan, which gave us a great chance to get to know each other. Maybe a little too much of a chance, actually.

     Phillip and I were married in a very informal, boisterous church. I had already received my fair share of post-honeymoon jokes our first Sunday back as a newly-married couple. I thought I had gotten through the worst of it. That was before I met Sally.

     I have no idea how we got on the topic, but Sally started talking about adjusting to married life. She mentioned how hard it was for her and her husband to learn to sleep together (in the literal sense, not the Biblical one). "He's just so hot! He makes our bed like an oven." And then Sally turned and looked me square in the eyes and asked in total earnestness, "So is Phillip hot in bed?"

     I knew exactly what she was asking. I knew her question had very little to do with my month-old sex life. But my blushing alone probably upped the temperature in the minivan by a good two or three degrees.

     Nine years of marriage and three kids later, I'm not so thrown off by intrusive questions. In fact, one year I'll probably look Sally up and answer the question I was too embarrassed to so many years ago.

     Yes, Sally. Phillip is very hot in bed.

Blog Love: This post is participating in two different events. (Yes, I'm moving up in the blogosphere!) Not only is it part of my regular humor column for Christian Home Magazine, it's also part of Regi McClain's new Music and Mirth Monday linkup!

Random Fact: During our first year of marriage, temperatures got so high in May that the blinds to our bedroom window melted.

Gently Humorous: If God Had Facebook

     After successfully publishing my first novel last month, I've decided I'm addicted to this whole writing thing. I love starting with a blank document and ending with a book. This summer I'm planning to start a new suspense title, and I'm dusting off a (very) old manuscript and trying to get it ready for publication as well.

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     This manuscript, currently titled Saving Natalie, is five years old. That may not sound like a whole lot, but it is. Read the following two sentences, and you'll see what I mean:

     Mark flipped open his cell phone. "Hello?"

     I know that I still have to flip open my cell phone, but really? I'm expecting my readers to believe that a middle-class, professional private-school teacher flips his cell phone open instead of swiping on his smartphone?

     A huge part of what I've been doing the last week is getting Saving Natalie a lot more up to date.

• He needed to find out more about her. He pulled up her name on the campus network all her public Facebook pictures.
• She pushed buttons furiously on her cell phone. She tapped furiously on her iPhone screen.
• Jake wondered whom he should call text.
• Jake still remembered how he felt when he got that first email Facebook message.

     All these changes (thankfully) are relatively minor, and not too difficult to make. Most of them have to do with the way we communicate with each other. But if five year-old technology is already almost obsolete, have you wondered how the Bible would be changed if it were re-written to be more "technologically correct"?

     Can you imagine God sending text messages instead of angels to tell Mary and Joseph about the coming of baby Jesus? And what if Pontius Pilate relied on SurveyMonkey, not angry crowds, to determine whether or not Jesus should die?

     Think about the people that followed Jesus, hoping for the miraculous. Can you imagine how fast the YouTube videos would turn viral that showed Jesus healing Bartimaes or raising Jairus' daughter? The Myth Busters would probably have to get involved and weigh in with their opinions whether the miracles were confirmed, plausible, or busted.

     What if God had a twitter account? John 3:16, the most beloved Bible verse in the New Testament, would barely make the 140 character requirement for tweets. (The NKJ version has exactly 138 characters, leaving just enough room for two quotation marks.) I have no idea how God would fit in the entire sermon on the mount.

     If God kept a blog, what kind of trolls would come along and leave him nasty comments? Would he use Google ads? And how would he face a blogger's darkest ethical dilemma - to use copyrighted photos from the internet or not?

     Thankfully, the Bible is quite clear that God's word is unchangeable. Whatever God spoke two thousand years ago still holds true today.

     In a world that is so swiftly changing, I'm glad that some things don't ever need to be rewritten.

Random Fact: My husband was on Facebook two years before I finally gave in and jumped on the bandwagon. He got tired of my friends asking him to pass on messages to me.

Blog Love: This post is part of the Christian Home Magazine, courtesy of Laura O at Day by Day.

Stand By Oklahoma: Help support disaster relief efforts when you buy The Beloved Daughter from alanaterry.com/oklahoma. $5 per book donated to Samaritan's Purse. (Shipping to US only.)
    

Gently Humorous: Weight Loss ... Don't Try This At Home

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     Today is a pretty exciting day for our family. My son Silas, whom you may know from the Boy Named Silas blog posts or the Boy Named Silas memoir, has now gone one full week without any tube feedings whatsoever. Granted, we're only completely a three-week trial, but it's looking more and more like Silas will one day (maybe even one day soon) outgrow his feeding tube completely.

     Just last night Silas asked me, "Do you think I like my tube?" And before giving me a chance to answer, he inserted, "Well, I don't."

     And what's to like? Silas' tube has caused him plenty of physical discomfort. He can't eat the snacks with the rest of his buddies when he goes to Sunday school or Awana's. And on several occasions, Silas' brothers have accidentally pulled his tube out while rough-housing the way boys typically do.

     That's why I was completely flabbergasted when I read an article that brides-to-be are actually opting for tube-fed, liquid-only diets to loose the last few pounds they want before they get hitched. These runway star wannabes don't go to the extreme of having a G-tube surgically placed into their side like Silas has. No, they insert a feeding tube up their nose, then down their throat into their stomach. Yup, you heard that right. Up the honker, down the hatch.

     All in the name of weight loss.

     Unfortunately, the tube-fed diet isn't the only ridiculous one out there. Have you heard about the hCG diet? It sounds all scientific because it's hormonally based. But think about it, ladies. You are getting injected with pregnancy hormone! The only women I know of who actually lost weight during their pregnancies were blowing chunks round the clock. Everyone else was gaining weight. And seriously now ... why would I even want to make my body think it was pregnant again? I thought I was done having kids!

     Now the tapeworm diet ... this one beats them all hands down. Here you go, girlfriends. All you've got to do is swallow this tapeworm. Yes, you heard me right. You swallow it. And it will live in your stomach (and grow) and live off of all the calories you eat. Wonderful idea, right?

     I've never gone to any of those extremes, but I admit that once I tried an apple pie diet. I'm dead serious. I allowed myself one slice of apple pie every day around lunch time. I figured that if I knew I was at least getting something yummy once a day I wouldn't mind skipping out on my other meals. I stuck to half of the diet, I'm proud to say. I only ate apple pie. Unfortunately, I had a harder time limiting myself to just one piece ...

     Same thing happened when I tried the Hawaiian roll diet ...

     I once heard of a church who decided to do a communal forty-day liquid fast. By day five, some of the members went from clear liquids to blended drinks like smoothies. It was only another week before they were throwing cookies and ice cream in a blender and slurping it down.

     Gluttony certainly is a real struggle many people (myself included) face, and the health consequences of poor eating choices are no laughing matter. But every once in a while, in a world that constantly bombards us with images of rail-thin actresses and promises from hyped-up weight loss programs, it's fun to sit back and allow ourselves a little laugh.

     And maybe enjoy a slice of apple pie with lunch.

Random Fact #21: I survived weeks at a time as a college student eating only Cheerios, craisins, and an occasional pint of Ben and Jerry's.

Christian Home Magazine: A Verse (Not) for Every Occassion

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  This post appears in the Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

    Have you ever heard people say that there's a Bible verse for any and every situation? Although at face value I believe this to be true, I also believe that the converse is also accurate. After reading through the book of Ecclesiastes this week, I concluded that for every occasion, there is a verse not to pass along.

     Imagine this. You're a high school graduate, and your youth leader gives you an inspirational Daysprings card with Ecclesiastes 12:1 inscribed in beautiful calligraphy on the front: "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth." Encouraging, no? And great advice! But not quite so cheery when you open up the card and inside read the rest of the passage: "...before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark ... when men are afraid of heights and of dangers in the streets; when the almond tree blossoms and the grasshopper drags himself along ..." (In other words, enjoy God now because life sure is going to suck once you make your way into the real world.)

     Somehow I doubt Solomon was invited to speak at too many commencements in his day.

     Here's a great one to not pass along to newlyweds: "Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love..." Great so far, right? But keep reading: "...all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun - all your meaningless days" (9:9). Basically, Solomon is saying you better enjoy life with her now, because love, marriage, family ... it's all meaningless anyway. I'm glad no one included that one in our card basket eight years ago.

     Is someone you know celebrating a job promotion? If you point them to Eccleasiastes 9:10 for inspiration, make sure you only quote the first half of the verse ("Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might...") because the second half isn't quite as encouraging: "...for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."

     Not exactly the Zig Zigler motivational quote they might have expected.

     Now we all love hearing about new babies arriving into the world. In fact, my friend is about to deliver twins in the next 24 hours or so and I'm sitting expectantly by my Facebook feed waiting for pictures! But I doubt I'll be sending her husband a card with Ecclesiastes 6:2 inside once the babies are safely delivered: "A man may have a hundred children and live many years; yet no matter how long he lives, if he cannot enjoy his prosperity ... I say that a stillborn child is better off than he."

     I do believe that the Bible does have a verse for "every activity under heaven." I just don't suggest spending too much time in Ecclesiastes looking for them.

Random Fact #14: When I was a kid I had at least 100 Adventures in Odyssey tapes completely memorized.

Did you know? This week is North Korea Freedom Week. Please say a pray for North Korean children, leaders, soldiers, prisoners, and refugees today! And if you're interested, my Christian novel about a young girl in North Korea is free for the next few days on kindle. Get The Beloved Daughter free!

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Christian Home Magazine: The Boy Next Door

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     I've worked some pretty strange jobs in my life, as you may have noticed from a previous random fact I posted about performing my first autopsy at the age of 16. One of the funniest jobs I've ever had was working as a caregiver at an assisted living home.

     Although many people might pity them for their situation, the residents were (for the most part) happy and content. One day I served up a sloppy joe to one of the ladies, and she spent the next half hour thanking me profusely for the delicious crab. Another women didn't remember her children, her grandchildren, or even her own name, but when her husband came to visit her she showed an incredibly three-second display of lucidity and told us all, "That's my baby."

     Every once in a while, I tried to tell the people I cared for about the Lord, which also led to some hilarious conversations.

     "Do you know Jesus?" I asked one lady as I was helping her take a shower. I didn't consider myself an exceptionally bold believer, but my husband and I were preparing for the mission field and I figured I needed the practice.

     "Who?" Estelle croaked.

     I had to repeat the name four times until she heard me. "Oh, Jesus," Estelle replied, "yes, of course I know him."

     "So how long have you been a Christian?" I questioned.

     "What?"

     "How long have you known Jesus?"

     "Oh!" Estelle laughed and seemed delighted at the memory. "I played with him when I was a little girl. He was the little boy who lived next door."

     My husband and I shared some pretty good laughs at my feeble evangelism attempts, which were made all the more humorous since I had to shout at most of the residents so they could hear me, and even then -- as my conversation with Estelle exemplifies -- I'm not sure how much they understood. As funny as the stories are though, I admit that sometimes I got frustrated.  I was telling the residents about Jesus, or at least trying to. But what was the point if they thought I was just talking about the boy next door?

     And then I realized something. Without God's help nobody can understand the good news of salvation, no matter how lucid they are at other times. Maybe I just needed to keep on sharing and leave the results of to God.

     I didn't end up working at the assisted living home for all that long, since I got pregnant with our first son only a few months after I started the job. I sometimes wonder about the residents there, if anything I said really made a difference in their spiritual lives.

     I guess I'll asked Estelle when I get to heaven if the boy next door is still there.

Random Fact #9: I earned $5.15 an hour at my first job.

Gently Humorous: I'm So Embarrassed

This post appears in Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     It's pretty embarrassing the things my kids have learned from me.

     I never thought I was overly conscious of my weight until I saw my four year old stand sideways in front of the mirror, pick up his shirt, and stare at his tummy for a full minute and a half.

What's up with this picture?

     I never realized how often I pick my toddler's nose until Thomas picked my nose one day. Even worse, Thomas then wiped some imaginary buggers off onto my shoulder.

     I think kids are bred to pick up on some of our most embarrassing traits. I also think children are born with an inherited embarrass-their-parents gene. This gene definitely acted up the day we passed the intimates aisle in Walmart and my two year old started shouting, "Breasts!" This is the same boy who was recently sitting on my friend's lap and asked her (with perfect diction), "Where are your nipples?"

     Sometimes my boys embarrass me without doing anything at all. In fact, the embarrassment comes from something I forgot to do to them. Like the time one of my babies had a leak at church and I realized I never put a diaper on him that morning. Or the time I took my son Silas to one of his therapy appointments and his therapist found a lolipop stuck in his hair. (He hadn't had a lolipop since his last therapy appointment three days earlier.) In my defense, Silas had a full head full of curly hair at the time, but still... three days?

     Thankfully, I've never been so embarrassed by something one of my boys has done that I want to disassociate from him completely. I'm sure the time may come when crazy hair-styles, wild behavior, or simply teenaged angst may visit our home and make me wish I didn't have to be known as my boys' mother. But hopefully those moments will be few and far between, and covered with an extra-large helping of grace and humor.
  
     Unfortunately, there have been times in my life when I've been embarrassed of my faith, so much so that I wished people didn't know I was a Christian. There was that time when a girl in my high school chewed me out in front of our entire math class for leaving a note in her locker telling her about Jesus. There was that time when my son really wanted to tell one of Silas' medical care providers about salvation, and I hemmed and hawed and turned beet red when he told her that going to church doesn't make somebody a Christian. There was that time when I tried out a new mom's group and listened to two ladies talk about the stupid and insensitive behavior of Christians without voicing a single counter argument.

     I've been known to be vocal about my faith at times. And I've been ashamed at how shy I've become at others. I hate to think my actions show that I'm actually embarrassed of my Savior.

     I just hope He never becomes embarrassed by me.

What about you? Do you have any funny embarrassing stories to share? Or maybe a serious account of how you are or aren't embarrassed to share your faith?

Random Fact #5: I'm about to turn 30 years old, and next weekend I'll be going to my first prom. (I'll be one of the chaperones, but I do have a hot date!)



    

Are Your Heroines Wimpy?

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This post appears in the Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     I was introduced to Christian fiction when I read the Zion Chronicles series by Bodie Theone in high school. I went on to read Francine Rivers, Randy Alcorn, and others.

     I guess I was a little bit spoiled because the first several Christian books I read boasted strong characters, plenty of drama, and beautifully redemptive plots. Since my glory-days of high school Christian reading, however, I've picked up several books that have left me feeling, well, a little bit like I felt in my first trimester when my husband was cooking steaks in the kitchen.

     Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I've read books about contemporary Christian heroines who are wiping tears off their cheeks on every other page of their stories. Now, I'm all about tear-jerkers. (In fact, the lady who proof-read my recent Christian novel had to take several extra days because the story had her crying too much to check for typos during her first read-through.) But don't you think that your heroine could find something else to do besides cry? I've been known to choke up a little bit during particularly touching Adventures in Odyssey episodes, but I don't go around sobbing whenever I experience any strong emotion, be that joy, sorrow, embarrassment, etc.

     I don't faint, either, by the way. I feel dizzy when I stand up after soaking in a scalding-hot tub. That's all. But I've read book after book with weak-kneed Christian heroines who can't even remain vertical when they're faced with harsh realities. I've never fainted from bad news, but I did throw up when the nurses told me my newborn son was without a pulse. I wonder why don't heroines in books ever barf during trauma?* It seems a little more realistic, at least based on my own experiences. (Baby Silas survived, by the way, and is now a happy-go-lucky five year old who gives me at least ten minutes of side-splitting abs workouts a day with all of his jokes and silly antics.)

     When I open up my Bible, I don't read about wimpy heroines who cry and faint whenever things get hard. I read about strong-stomached women like Jael who hammers a tent peg through her enemy's skull. I read about strong-hearted women like Naomi who survives in spite of numerous tragedies, including widowhood, displacement, and famine. I read about strong-headed women like Abigail who circumvents her husband to save her entire family from the wrath of David's mighty men. I read about strong-kneed women like Mary who delivers baby Jesus in a stable almost a hundred miles from home.

     I always chuckle at people who claim the Bible is demeaning to women. Maybe they need to take a closer look at how strong these Biblical heroines really are. I doubt Ruth went around fainting whenever Boaz passed her by in the barley fields. And we have no indication that Esther turned on her water faucets when pleading with King Xerxes for deliverance for the Jews.

     Whether you're a writer, a reader, or just a daughter of the King, I hope you are encouraged when you look at the strong believing women God gives us in the Bible as examples.

     And I hope you pass your day without any fainting spells.

What about you? Have you read any books lately with weak-willed heroines? Or do you have any favorite women in the Bible who exemplify feminine strength and dignity (sans the tears)?

Random Fact #3: I have never had a brain freeze in my life.

[*Bloggers note: I recently picked up "First of Her Kind," a fantasy novel by my friend K. L. Schwengel, and am happy to report that her heroine does in fact throw up after a particularly dangerous and traumatizing scene. 4/17/13]
    
    

Gently Humorous: He is Risen (Really)

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This post appears in the Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to tie Easter in to my gentle humor column for this week's Christian Home Magazine. There's certainly nothing funny about Jesus dying on the cross. And although the resurrection is the most glorious and breath-taking event in all of history, it's hardly humorous.

     Come to think of it, what is there about the Easter story that's even slightly funny? Judas hanging himself, then falling so his guts spill open on the ground? Peter chopping off someone's ear? Nah. There's the disciple who ran away naked when the soldiers came to arrest Jesus, but there's not too much I can do with that in a gentle humor post.

     I've got it! What about the Romans and the Sanhedrin? What about all the goofy claims people make even today to try to prove the resurrection didn't actually happen?

     Now that's funny.

     Maybe you've heard some of the anti-resurrection arguments before. But have you ever stopped to actually laugh at their absurdity?

False Claim #1: The guards fell asleep. This one dates all the way back to Bible times. No Jesus in the tomb? No stone in the entrance? No problem! The Pharisees came up with the great idea for the Roman soldiers standing guard to just tell their superiors they fell asleep. This was Rome. These soldiers were professional killing machines. And we're supposed to believe that all of them fell asleep at the same time and didn't wake up as someone stole Jesus' body? Great! My Easter is already starting with a laugh!

False Claim #2: Jesus fainted. Ok, let's delve into this doozy. First Jesus is whipped, flogged, beaten, and tortured. Then he is nailed to a cross for ... oh, say six hours. When Pilate hears Jesus is dead, he tells the centurion, "Go make sure." What's the centurion do? He doesn't check for a pulse or call the medical examiner. He pierces Jesus' heart with a spear. Blood gushes out, and so does water from the pericardial sack. They wrap Jesus up like a mummy (as was custom), placed him in a tomb, and sealed with a several-ton boulder. But guess what? After all that - these comedians claim - Jesus woke up from his "faint," took off his clothes, and after all that torture and blood loss he rolled the stone away form the tomb all by himself without any divine intervention or miraculous healing. Riiiight...

False Claim #3: The disciples stole Jesus' body. There's something that's important to remember about the disciples. Chiefly, they are sniveling cowards. They all run away when Jesus is arrested and don't even claim to know him when he stands on trial. Ok, so now that we've established the utter chicken-bellied nature of the Twelve, we're going to just assume that these scaredy cats walk up to a Roman guard and take Jesus' body? But for the sake of sporstmanship, let's just suspend disbelief for a moment (pretend it's a Hollywood blockbuster). Let's assume the disciples really do take Jesus' body because they want the whole world to think he's  alive. In other words, the disciples all know that Jesus is dead. But these men - cowards, as we've previously established - face brutal suffering and torture from both the Romans and the Jews in order to maintain a lie, a lie that would be immediately dispelled if someone uncovered the body? Unlikely, IMHO.

     If there's any slap-stick humor surrounding Holy Week at all, it's right here. It's these claims that our Savior didn't really rise up from the dead after conquering the grave. Jesus is alive today (really). And if that doesn't have us rolling on the floor in laughter, it should at least have us falling to our knees in awe.

An invitation to comment: I understand that not everyone (or even the vast majority) of people in the world agree with me. Although I took a humorous look at arguments against the resurrection, I welcome comments from people with differing beliefs. I'm a writer - not a debater - so you don't need to worry about things getting ugly on this forum.
    

Decoding Christian Cliches

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This post appears in the Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     I've been working on editing my manuscript for "The Beloved Daughter," my debut inspirational novel set in contemporary North Korea. One of the hardest parts about the editing process was taking out all the American figures of speech that worked their way into my manuscript. The narrator of "The Beloved Daughter" is North Korean. She doesn't say things like, "it nearly made me jump out of my skin," or "she really hit the nail on the head," or any of the other phrases that no one in Korea uses but all my American readers would understand.

     Taking that red pen and crossing out all my instances of Americanizations got me thinking about cliches in general. Have you ever stopped to think about all the favorite expressions we use in the English-speaking church today? What would happen if one of the Korean nationals from my novel stopped in a women's Bible study at your place of worship? Even with impeccable English skills, she's probably need a translator just to help her sift through all the figures of speech we Christians throw around like they're going out of style.

     For example...

1. "I'll be praying for you." Please note: One-tenth of the time, this phrase means, "I'll be praying for you." The other nine-tenths of the time, this phrase means, "I have no idea what else to say about your problem, so I'm going to end this awkward conversation with a promise to pray about your situation." Of the nine-tenths of the people who use this particular phrase in this particular way, about three-tenths will actually follow through and pray for you. If you're lucky.
2. "I have Jesus in my heart." Fact: Jesus is in heaven. (Remember that whole promise He gave us about preparing a place for us? Yup, that's going on right now.) Fact: The Holy Spirit ... not Jesus ... indwells believers at the moment of conversion. (One more interesting fact to throw out: There are nine verses in the NIV that have both the word Jesus and the word heart in them. None of these nine verses talk about Jesus actually living in someone's heart.)
3. "I'm going to throw out a fleece." Unlike number 2 above, this cliche actually has a biblical basis. When Gideon wanted to be sure God was really going to help him defeat the Midianites, he literally threw out a fleece and left it outside overnight. In the morning, the fleece was covered with dew but the ground around it was dry. Thus Gideon "threw out a fleece" to help him determine God's will. Today, however, if a Christian says, "I'm going to throw out a fleece," what she usually mean is: I really want God to do [prayer request XYZ]. And so I'm going to pray something like, "If the next person to call me on my phone is Jill from Illinois, then I'll know that God is promising to do [prayer request XYZ] like I asked Him." Now, if Jill really does call, our fleece-thrower can look forward to [prayer request XYZ] with great joy and gusto. But if the next person to call is actually Ralph from Montana, then the lucky fleece-thrower can say something like, "O well, we're not supposed to put God to the test so that probably wasn't an accurate fleece anyway." (She'd probably have similar results with a  fortune-telling 8-ball, but those tend to be frowned upon in Christian circles for some reason or other.)
4. "Meet-Market Issue." Here's one more cliche based on a particular passage of Scripture. In Bible times, the church in Corinth had a major dilemma. There were some serious carnivores in their congregations, but a large portion of the meat sold in the marketplaces was at one point sacrificed to idols. Paul encourages the Corinthians to basically follow their own consciences: "Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31). Today, Christians use the term "meat-market issue" to describe any of those controversial activities that some Christians say are big no-nos, and other Christians say are kosher. If you declare something to be a "meat-market issue," you are saying that you're going to follow your own conscience, and you'll take difference with any and every believer who tries to tell you you're wrong. Sometimes I wonder, however, if the issues that we're selling at our contemporary meat markets are really just sinful behaviors we justify via the Meat-Market Clause so we don't have to give them up.
5. "...if it's Your will." I hear this one a lot at prayer meetings. Dear God, please heal Aunt Betsy. Help her eyebrows to grow back, and her nose to straighten out, and her chipped tooth to mend, and her bunion to soften up. IF it's Your will. Now, I'm all for praying in submission to God's will. (Think Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.) Unfortunately, most people use the "if it's Your will" line because they have no expectation for God to answer their prayers in the first place. What they're really telling God is: Lord, we both know You're probably not loving and/or powerful enough to take care of all these problems right now, so I'm just going to throw "if it's Your will" to the end of this prayer. That way we'll know not to expect all that much from You.

     I'm sure I'm just as guilty as the next Christian for using (and sometimes abusing) these and other Christian cliches. That probably doesn't make us bad people.

     But we better plan to take along a translator if we ever head out to North Korea.

What about you? What are some Christian cliches you hear all the time that I forgot to mention? (Feel free to leave your comment below.)

Saving Daylight

This post appears in the Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     I have a love-hate relationship with Daylight Savings. If you hooked me up to a lie detector, however, I'd have to admit that it's mostly hate.

     I used to love gaining a whole extra hour in the fall when Daylight Savings time ends. I basically had an entire hour to spend however I wanted: staying up late watching a movie with hubby, soaking in the tub with a book, or sleeping for a whole extra hour in my cozy bed.

     Then I had kids, and - like everything else in life - that all changed.

     When my baby woke up at 5:00 the Sunday after Daylight Savings ended, I couldn't blame him. I couldn't tell him, "You forgot to reset your clock. Go back to sleep." In his mind, 5:00 am was a perfect time to open his eyes, sit up in his Pack 'N Play, and scream hysterically until Mama picked him up and started off the day right, with a yummy homemade breakfast of breastmilk, literally made from scratch.

     So, in a last desperate attempt to find peace with having an hour of my life legislated away via Congressional mandate, I set my sights towards spring. If my kids wake up too early when Daylight Savings time ends, then they'd obviously sleep in when Daylight Savings time begins.

     I was wrong (something else I've gotten quite used to now that I'm a mom). Because even though my kids usually wake up a little bit later than they normally would if you're going by the clock in the spring, it's no earlier according to my biological metronome.

     C'est la vie, I suppose. But I still wonder at the audacity of a government that literally borrows an hour of my life with a promise to pay it back half a year later.

     As a matter of fact, there's a lot about time that I don't get. For example, while we're enjoying an early-spring blizzard on this Sunday afternoon, a friend in New Zealand is planting tubers in the hot New Zealand sun sometime Monday. And don't even get me started on all the questions I have about God and the great metaphysical wristwatch of the universe. Like, for example, if God exists outside of time, does it help if I pray for people in the past? If God already knows what I'm going to pray even before I pray it, does that mean my prayers might work retroactively? (Let me go on like this for a few more minutes and I'll wind up with a headache and still be no closer to the truth.)

     Anyway, I hope many of you out there are enjoying whatever benefits Daylight Savings brings to those of us commoners in the US. As for me, I'm off for my Sunday nap.

Tweetables:

Daylight Savings: Good for farmers, bad for moms. 

I have a love-hate realtionship with DaylightSavings. Mostly hate.

If you think Daylight Savings is mildly mind-boggling, have you ever thought about time travel? Stay tuned for information about "What, No Sushi," my soon-to-be-released kids chapter book about three boys who go back to relive some family history!

R-Rated Scripture

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This post appears in the 103rd edition of the Christian Home Magazine. Check it out!

     A few months ago I had this great idea to start reading Genesis to my boys chapter by chapter for our morning devotions. I figured that my boys were ready to move beyond the Bible storybooks we have and delve into God's pure, unadulterated Word.

    And after making my grand announcement and making our way victoriously through the creation account, I remembered what else is in Genesis. Not much pure or unadulterated there, at least as far as the characters are concerned. Like valiant explorers, my boys and I stumbled our way through the Bible's depiction of Noah's drunken nakedness, Abraham's polygamist affair with Hagar, Sarah's near-rape by the Egyptian king. We got to Sodom and Gomorrah and even choked our way through that, only to find that the very next day I was supposed to read my seven, five, and three year-olds the story when Lot's daughter's got him drunk so he could father their children. After just describing (in hopefully dumbed-down terms) why the men of Sodom were so wicked God chose to destroy them, I just didn't have the stomach to read about Lot's daughters as well.

     When it comes right down to it, not many Bible stories would pass conservative family screening practices. You have Ruth laying down at the feet of an inebriated Boaz with a marriage proposal in the middle of the night. In Numbers 25, you have an Israelite and his Midianite mistress killed when a spear pierces completely through both of their bodies. (Care to guess what position they were in when this couple was shish kebobed?) Not to mention all the strange, bizarre, and lewd behavior going on in the early chapters of the Holy Book. I mean, have you read all those laws in Leviticus? They were apparently put there for some reasons that I don't even want to know.

     Then there's the pure violence, which would automatically turn the Bible into an R movie even without all the kinky bedroom behavior. You've got entrails spilling out onto the floor on more than one occasion. You've got former first-lady Jezebel thrown out a window with dogs licking up her blood. I'm not even going to mention what the people resorted to when under intense siege and on the brink of starvation.

     There's also the language to deal with. What do you think Paul is talking about in Galatians 5:12 when he tells believers who are a little too zealous for circumcision to "cut themselves off"? Samson accuses the groomsmen at his own wedding of "plowing with his heifer." (Care to guess what he's referring to there?) Peter was a bona fide potty-mouth. Even God pushes the envelope by telling Job to "gird up his loins like a man." Modern translation? Put on your undies and man up!

     As if the sex, violence, and language weren't enough, the Bible also has plenty of cases of the terrifying, bizarre, and sheer insane. There's a crazy woman cutting off her son's foreskin to appease the angel of the Lord who came after Moses with a vendetta. There's a demon-possessed man breaking his chains, cutting himself to shreds, and living amongst the caves. (Have you ever dared wonder what he ate?) I defy you to find any horror movie with creepier premises than what you'll find in the Bible's 66 sacred books. Just Revelation itself has more terror than the contents of Steven King's own nightmares. What makes these prophecies even more terrifying is that you know they're going to come true.

     I guess what I love about Scripture is that it doesn't sugar-coat its accounts to make its stories more acceptable or family-friendly. I admit that's made for some awkward discussions around the breakfast table. But I figure if God wrote it, I'd better be prepared to read it to my kids.

     Just don't blame me for skipping over the part about Lot and his daughters.

What about you? Do you "censor" Bible stories for your kids? Or can you think of anything else I should have included in my list of R-rated Bible stories?

When Life Gives You Lemons...

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 This post appears in Christian Home Magazine's 101st edition. Check it out!

     Did you know that Tube Feeding Awareness Week just ended? Unless you (a) follow me on Twitter, (b) keep up with my blog about raising my medically-needy son Silas, or (c) have a tube-fed child of your own, you probably missed it completely. I usually stick to A Boy Named Silas when blogging about special needs, but in the name of tube-feeding awareness, my column in this week's Christian Home Magazine is about my son's feeding tube.

     I find the term "blessing in disguise" a little irritating. Sometimes life just gives certain people a higher than average lemon-to-sugar ratio. But in our case, however, I'm forced to admit that having a tube-fed son really has come with a few perks. Be jealous if you dare.

1. I can get out of any jury duty summons. Since I am the one who handles Silas' feeding tube, I can make a great point (backed up by the medical community) that finding trained, qualified care for Silas would be prohibitive. Silas' tube feeding doesn't stop me from enjoying the occasional night out with the hubby, but you certainly won't find me in any jury box. Jealous yet?

2. I never have to fight Silas to take medicine. I just hook his tube up, squirt the medicine in with a syringe, wash it down with a little water, and my son is good to go. (Any mother who has tried to give fever meds to a toddler should be drooling by now with envy.)

3. I don't have to stress too much if Silas eats something he shouldn't. Remember that post form last week, where I admitted that I have poison control center's number set to speed dial? The last time I called poison control was during a science club I was leading for some of our homeschool friends. Silas decided to take a sip of the silver nitrate solution I had just stirred up. Yes, I felt like a horrible mother. Yes, Silas complained of having metal-mouth for the rest of the night. But Silas didn't get an upset stomach because as soon as the chemicals went down, I was able to suck them right back out of his stomach thanks to his feeding tube! (See ... told you I'd have you dripping with envy before this post was done.)

4. I don't have to worry about a "balanced" diet. I know so many moms struggle with kids who are picky eaters or who have severe allergies. With Silas, I never need to force-feed, threaten to disown him if he doesn't eat his green beans, or worry if he is developing too much of a sweet tooth. I just pour the formula into his backpack, and off he goes. I realize this isn't the "ideal" organic diet I once imagined preparing for my family every day, but I got to admit it's pretty easy. (If you're not enviously green yet, let me remind you that there are no dishes to clean up after a tube feeding, either.)

     So, as I think about it this Tube Feeding Awareness Week, our lemon-to-sugar ratio isn't nearly as high as you might imagine if you knew all our family's medical history. But of course my taste buds are still craving the sweetness that will be ours when Silas outgrows his feeding tube completely. I'm doing my best to hold on to faith that that day really will come. Then Silas and I can both enjoy some of that sweet, refreshing lemonade.

     Let's just hope I won't be drinking mine from the jury box.
    
Would you like to learn more about Silas? Follow my other blog at boynamedsilas.blogspot.com, or check out the Alana Terry bookstore for information about my book, "A Boy Named Silas: The First Five Years," available in paperback and as an ebook.